i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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