I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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