i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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