WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
