also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
