I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
