i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
