so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
