i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
