A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
