i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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