we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
