I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
