you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My life is pants optional.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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