good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
