Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
