nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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