never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
