Apparently you make a good broom.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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