I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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