I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
