how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
