no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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