I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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