nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
