It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
