I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
