At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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