he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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