he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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