My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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