I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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