Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
