every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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