If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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