she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
