hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
