I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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