Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
