Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
