This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
