I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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