I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
