Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
