I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
porn star boner night. come get it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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