I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
