you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize