Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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