i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
