it wasn't lemon gatorade
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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